Image from theurbanpolitico.com
This post is for all of my friends and family in the United States, as they prepare to head to the polls for the mid-term elections. I am hoping somebody will submit this proposed bill and that it will be put into force soon:
Justification for the Defense Against Bad Marriage Act:
I am sick and tired of having my marriage devalued by all of those people who enter into bad relationships yet apply the same term “marriage” to their unholy unions. There are FAR too many bad marriages out there and, frankly, I no longer want my relationship with my wife to be placed in the same “marriage” category as those unnatural bonds that clearly go against the will of God. Hence, the introduction of the DABMA (pronounced “dab-ma”).
This act is based on a number of beliefs:
1. The State is absolutely the best body to determine who should and should not be in love. After too many years of bleeding-heart liberals trying to take this power from the state and take it into their own hands, we find ourselves beset by a rampant scourge of people marrying whoever they want, often against the better judgment of the State.
2. We all know who these couples are. Long before they take their nuptial stroll down the aisle, we shake our heads and say “It’ll never last. What do they see in each other?” And yet, after the ceremony, they are allowed to say they are “married,” just like those of us who were more responsible in our choice of a mate. It’s time for this to stop, but until the introduction of this bill there has been no legal framework to save these people from themselves and to save ourselves from the mockery they make of our superior relationships.
3. Bad marriage is an offense against God and society. If God had meant us to be so unhappy, He would have given us Free Will. Clearly God never intended us to make our own decision about who we would marry without a layer of checks-and-balances. It is necessary for an impartial panel to review our decision of whom we will live with, and correct for our innate lack of judgment.
4. Even though they know their marriage will suck, these people enter into it just to gain the tax and health insurance benefits that come with matrimony, and they laugh at the rest of us all the way to the bank. They are willfully abusing the system that we all support with our taxes and this should not be allowed to continue.
Actions that will be taken when this bill passes:
1. The decision of who can be in love will be placed back in the hands of the State where it belongs. Any two people wishing to be married will have to present themselves before a Marriage Panel. This Panel will observe the couple’s interactions and after one hour will make a decision on whether those people will be allowed to get engaged.
2. Citizens will be expected to report bad marriages to the Marriage Police. Officers of that unit will then be dispatched to the home of the bad couple, at which point the miscreants will be separated and relocated in two different parts of the country. The person who reported the couple will receive a reward of $5. Bad marriages can be reported in the comments section of this post.
3. People will maintain the legal right to stay in bad long-term, monogamous relationships, but under no circumstances will they be allowed to call that relationship marriage, nor will they receive the financial or legal benefits enjoyed by good couples.
4. Couples who choose to remain in a bad relationship will not be allowed to biologically produce or legally adopt children, because we all know what happens to kids who are raised under such conditions. Any individuals found to be violating this statute will be summarily sterilized to prevent future lapses.
5. If a bad couple travels to a country that recognizes and allows bad marriages in order to undergo a marriage ceremony, that bond will be considered null and void upon returning across U.S. borders. Any certificates, photos and/or memorabilia will be confiscated at Customs.
I would appreciate the help of anyone who has a close relationship to a senator or representative who could help fast-track this bill.
Mark D. Jordahl – Kampala